Across the country, preschool and kindergarten teachers are seeing a sharp rise in extreme behaviors—refusal, running, yelling, hitting, tearing up materials, throwing furniture, and more. For many educators, these moments feel overwhelming, and understandably so! Educators, for the most part, are not prepared for these situations, as most education preparation programs do not embed trauma-invested practices, deescalation, and neuroscience into their syllabi. What is missing is that educators are not learning that these big behaviors are not simply “bad behaviors”, “choices”, or “being naughty.” They’re stress responses—a child’s nervous system communicating distress, and feelings of unsafeness. Traditional school discipline practices such as rewards, incentives, punishments, preset consequences, behavior improvement plans, exclusion, restraint, corporal punishment, and seclusion, do not solve the problems of these young people. They do not speak to a threatened nervous system. So…what DO we DO?

Supporting the Adults First

Before we can support children through big feelings and extreme behaviors, we must first support the adults who guide them. Teachers are often expected to manage challenging behaviors while simultaneously teaching, keeping the environment safe, and protecting the emotional wellbeing of all students—a nearly impossible task without systems and training in place. When a young child is running, yelling, hitting, or refusing, the teacher’s ability to remain regulated is the most critical factor in de-escalating the situation and maintaining safety. Schools must prioritize staff training, coaching, and co-regulation support, ensuring teachers know what to do, what not to do, and how to preserve dignity for every child in the process. Without adult regulation, classroom environments can unintentionally escalate rather than regulate.

Why Punishment Isn’t the Answer

Punishment can stop behaviors temporarily, but it doesn’t teach regulation or restore safety. Research shows that physical punishment, including spanking, actually increases aggression and alters brain activation in regions related to emotional regulation, similar to the effects of severe maltreatment (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

Traditional discipline methods—timeouts, public call-outs, or loss of recess—often escalate stress rather than reduce it. Without addressing the underlying neurobiology, children remain stuck in dysregulation and shame (Siegel & Bryson, 2018).

Trauma & Neuroscience Through a Polyvagal Lens

Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains why kids “flip their lids” when they feel unsafe. When the nervous system detects danger, it automatically shifts into:

• Fight → hitting, yelling, throwing
  
• Flight → running, hiding, refusing
  
• Freeze → shutting down, refusing to speak
  

These responses are biological survival strategies—not choices (Porges, 2018). Until a child feels safe, the brain literally cannot access reasoning, problem-solving, or learning.

The Screen Time Factor

Increased screen exposure in babies, toddlers, and young children has been linked to delays in language, emotional regulation, and executive functioning. Studies show:

• Kids with more than 1 hour/day of screen time show slower white-matter development and weaker neural connections needed for learning (Madigan et al., 2019).
  
• Overexposure predicts later behavioral challenges, including aggression and peer difficulties (Walsh et al., 2020).
  
• UNICEF emphasizes that babies and young children require human interaction and play for healthy brain development—not passive screen consumption (UNICEF, 2023).
  

This doesn’t mean screens are “bad” in moderation—but they can compound dysregulation in kids already struggling, and stall the development of executive functioning skills.

Four Essential Strategies for Teachers & Schools

1. Co-Regulate Before Teaching

Do:

• Regulate yourself first, through breathing and assigning the class a simple independent task to give you a moment to think.
• Use calm acknowledgment: “I see you’re feeling upset right now. I’m here.”
• Offer space: “I am here, but I will give you space until you are ready for me to help.”
• Match tone and posture to safety: soft voice, gentle breathing, non-threatening stance.

Don’t:

• Rush to correct: “Stop it right now!”
• Tell them what they are doing wrong.
• Prompt them to make better choices (this behavior might not be a choice).
• Use sarcasm, shaming, threats, ultimatims,or yelling.
  

2. Lead with Safety, Not Consequences

Do:

• Offer a safe, sensory-friendly spot: “Let’s take a break together in our calm space.”
• Provide tools like noise-canceling headphones, weighted objects, or visuals for emotional expression.
• Offer choices (a menu that you have discussed with the student when they are regulated).
  

Don’t:

• Isolate or “banish” a child from the group—timeouts can feel like rejection and escalate distress (Siegel & Bryson, 2018).
• Tell the student they are not being safe. This can come as a restorative conversation once the student is regulated

3. Redirect Energy Through the Body

Do:

• Offer regulated movement: “Let’s stomp it out,” “Shake our arms together,” or “Breathe big like blowing up a balloon.”
• Engage playful connection: laughter, rhythmic clapping, or soft music.

Don’t:

• Demand stillness or silence when a child’s nervous system is in fight or flight.
• Use your body or anything else to barricade in a corner or space.
• Touch the student without their permission.

4. Use Language to Bridge, Not Barricade

Do:

• Check yourself again–are you regulated enough to respond with connection?
• Validate feelings: “That yell tells me something feels really big right now.”
• Give choices that fit the moment: “Do you want to draw how you feel or talk about it?”
  

Don’t:

• Use threats: “If you don’t stop, you’ll lose recess.” Threats activate survival responses and shut down problem-solving (Siegel & Bryson, 2018).

Take something away based on this moment in time.

Keeping Everyone Safe During Aggression

1. Prepare the environment: Remove sharp, breakable, or triggering objects.
2. Use calming body language: Stand at an angle, avoid hovering, keep palms visible.
3. Signal support: Establish silent cues to alert nearby staff when needed.

Repair afterward: Once calm, reconnect with the child:

“You stayed with me. That was hard, and we handled it together.”

Dos & Don’ts for Adult Responses

Do …	Don’t …
“I see how big this feels. I’m here.”	“Stop it right now!” or any physical punishment
Offer co-regulation (“breathe with me”)	Walk away and leave the child dysregulated
Provide a safe, sensory-friendly space	Use isolating time-outs or public discipline
Validate feelings and give small choices	Demand compliance before safety or connection
Model calm breathing and tone	Yell, grab, or escalate control
Reconnect afterward: “We got through it together.”	End with shame: “Go sit there until I say you can come back.”

Sentence Stems for Adults: Creating Consistency in Responses

Having predetermined sentence or question stems for yourself and other adults to use will help during moments of adult dysregulation. It also helps the adults respond consistently to a student, which will help them feel closer to safe. When adults are consistent, young people begin to respond in more positive ways to adults. Using the same oral language, facial expression, tone, and body language with big feelings and big behaviors WILL create a transformation within an entire school. This is how everyone gains access to safety and belonging!

“You’re feeling ____, and that makes sense right now.”

“Your body is telling you it needs a pause—let’s slow down together.”

“Do you want to take a break with me or sit here quietly?”

“You worked hard to stay with me. I’m proud of us for figuring this out.”

How Administrators Can Support Teachers During Big Behaviors

When a young child’s behavior escalates, teachers are often placed in the impossible position of teaching, regulating, and crisis-managing at the same time. Without intentional systems and administrative support, teachers can feel isolated and overwhelmed, which increases their stress and can unintentionally escalate the situation. School leaders play a critical role in setting up environments where both students and staff feel safe, supported, and prepared.

Create a Calm Support Team

• Designate a team of trained staff members—counselors, interventionists, administrators—who can respond when a teacher signals for help.
  
• Ensure these team members are trained in trauma-informed practices, de-escalation techniques, and Polyvagal-informed regulation strategies.
  
• Use non-punitive protocols: the goal is not to “remove the problem,” but to restore safety and dignity for everyone.

Establish Clear Response Protocols

• Develop step-by-step plans for responding to extreme behaviors, including:
  
  • Who goes to the classroom
  • How other students are supported
  • Where a child can safely regulate
  • How to document incidents without shaming or labeling
    
• Provide teachers with visual flowcharts outlining what to do and who to call—reducing decision fatigue in high-stress moments.
  

Protect Teacher Regulation

Teachers cannot co-regulate with students if they are flooded with stress themselves. Administrators can:

• Provide “tap-out” options where another staff member steps in briefly so the teacher can reset.
• Normalize dosing and spacing—giving teachers small breaks after difficult incidents to restore their nervous system.
• Create a calm space for staff to breathe, reflect, and return to the classroom regulated.

Prioritize Coaching Over Compliance

Instead of expecting teachers to “manage behaviors” alone, leaders should invest in professional development that builds skill, confidence, and emotional resilience.

• Offer live coaching during incidents when possible.
• Model co-regulation strategies in real-time so teachers see them in action.
• Debrief after incidents, focusing on what worked, what can improve, and how to build consistency across classrooms.

Protect the Climate

Big behaviors don’t just affect the child and teacher involved—they ripple through the entire classroom. Administrators should:

• Help relocate peers safely and calmly when necessary, without drawing attention or creating shame.
• Reassure students: “Your teacher is keeping everyone safe. Let’s give them space right now.”
• Communicate openly with families in supportive, strengths-based ways that focus on skill-building, not punishment.

Leadership Mindset Shift

When school leaders prioritize adult regulation first, they create a ripple effect: regulated adults → safer classrooms → calmer students. Administrators set the tone by modeling curiosity instead of judgment and support instead of blame. A school where adults feel prepared, supported, and safe is a school where children can heal, learn, and thrive.

You cannot punish away big feelings. You cannot force compliance when the brain is in survival mode. But you can create safety. You can co-regulate, connect, and model calm. You as an educator (and human) need a high level of support yourself in order to support the most vulnerable students. You simply cannot do it without a sense of collective efficacy within your school community, and school/district leaders who equip you with the knowledge and skills to support yourself and little ones with BIG feelings.

When we respond to extreme behaviors with connection instead of control, we don’t just stop meltdowns—we grow brains and build the foundation for emotional resilience. Connection over compliance, unconditional positive regard over assumption, and curiosity over judgement…we can do this.

Bethany

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References

American Behavioral Clinics. (2022). Your child’s screen time can affect their brain development. Retrieved from https://americanbehavioralclinics.com/your-childrens-screen-time-can-affect-their-brain-development/

Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469. https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/21/04/effect-spanking-brain

Madigan, S., Browne, D., Racine, N., Mori, C., & Tough, S. (2019). Association between screen time and children’s performance on a developmental screening test. JAMA Pediatrics, 173(3), 244–250. https://environhealthprevmed.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12199-020-00926-w

Porges, S. W. (2018). Polyvagal theory: A biobehavioral journey to sociality. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 1, 100002. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9131189/

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2018). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York: Bantam Books.

UNICEF. (2023). Babies, screen time and brain development. Retrieved from https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-development/babies-screen-timeWalsh, J. J., Barnes, J. D., Cameron, J. D., Chaput, J. P., Goldfield, G. S., Gunnell, K. E., … & Tremblay, M. S. (2020). Relationship between screen time and children’s mental health: A systematic review. Preventive Medicine Reports, 20, 101207. https://arxiv.org/abs/2508.10062